How to Discipline Your Child

There will always be an ongoing parental challenge to stay balanced between over- disciplining and under-disciplining your children. If you over-discipline your children to the degree that you are telling them how they must think, feel and speak, this type of behavior is called domination, not discipline. Over-disciplining your children to the degree that you are dominating them will contribute to their feelings of inferiority and insecurity (poor Self-esteem and Self-image) because they will feel that, “No matter what I do, it is never good enough.”

If you are unconsciously “caught” in a parental “fear identity” of over-disciplining your children and as such you are constantly correcting, ordering and telling them what to do, think and feel, you are teaching your children that they can’t do it alone and that they must depend on you to survive, which will make them feel incapable and not good enough.

Paradoxically, however, your job is to be your children’s parent, not their friend. They have enough friends. What they need is an authority figure whom they can depend upon, someone with whom they feel safe no matter what. The most important (and most difficult) parental word to learn to say is “no,” while simultaneously validating your children’s hurt feelings. It is normal and natural for your children to feel sad or angry when you tell them “no” because anyone would feel that way. This is a difficult learning paradox that many parents never master, so their parental actions polarize between being too lenient and too strict.

Domination is the opposite of the Self-parenting objective to teach your children how to parent themselves. If this fear identity is causing you to “rule over” your children because of some unconscious unmet needs of your own, I want you to take a deep, hard look at how this behavior is affecting your children’s Self-esteem and Self-confidence.

“When disciplining your child, avoid blaming, accusing, name-calling and threats.

The goal is to engage cooperation, set limits and teach your child Self-discipline—not to breed resentment and rebellion. You can do this by describing the situation that needs attention, giving your child information about cause and effect, discussing your feelings honestly and showing the big picture of a process.”

- WAYNE DYER

If touching, holding, kissing, and being physically demonstrative with your children is difficult for you because of your own unmet childhood emotional dependency needs, its important for you to own right here and now that it is rooted in your own poor Self-esteem and Self-image. If you have core fear beliefs such as: “It’s just the way I am; I can’t help it; I’ve always been that way,” then dis-creating these dis-empowering beliefs needs to be high on your list of holistic parenting priorities.

Wayne Dyer taught me some of the more common practices that contribute to lowered feelings of Self-worth and a depletion of Self-confidence in our children.

Telling our children that they are bad boys or girls. Children, who believe they are bad when they have only behaved badly, begin to assess their worth as a person based upon these judgments.

Telling our children that they are good boys or girls only when they behave properly. Here again, the difference between behaving properly or nicely and being a good person is not distin¬guished. It is just as detrimental to a child’s sense of Self-worth to believe that he is good only because he behaves well as it is to believe that he is bad because he sometimes behaves badly.

Constantly catching children doing something wrong. This approach to parenting says, “I will look for the things that my children are doing wrong and remind them about that behavior all the time.” Children who are only talked to or noticed when they are doing something wrong soon come to doubt themselves and believe that they are disliked.

Using pet names for children which contribute to a lowered sense of Self-regard. Calling children shorty, dumbo, turkey, klutz, nerd, spaz, fatso or any name which is not designed to promote positive Self-regard is a way of creating a lowered sense of Self-worth. These become daily reminders of how clumsy, incompetent or unattractive they are, and while they may seem like meaningless little pet names to you, they actually are repetitive reinforcers of apparent flaws to your children.

Viewing children as “apprentice people” who have not really arrived yet as total human beings. This attitude is characterized by treating children as if they are always preparing for life—telling them that someday they will know why they are expected to do what you are asking of them. This type of message conveys to children that they aren’t whole, that they are incomplete, and that they should view themselves as partial people.

Treating children as part of one big, whole unit, rather than as individuals. Constantly comparing children to brothers and sisters, or to you when you were a child, or to other children in the neighborhood, gives them a feeling of not being special and unique. If children are treated like pieces of a puzzle, rather than whole, unique, special individuals, they will soon begin to assess themselves in this way. Lowered Self-esteem comes from believing that “I am not special and unique,” and this kind of Self-assessment comes from hearing sentences like, “Who do you think you are, someone special?” “You’re no different from everybody else around here!” “Why can’t you be like your sister?” “Why, when I was a child, we always did what our parents said…or else!”

Refusing to give children responsibility. Doing and thinking for children will contribute to lowered Self-worth and undermine their Self-confidence. You will create opportunities for children to develop a lot of Self-doubt by constantly sending messages showing that you do not think they can do things correctly, or that they should not try because you believe it is too difficult for them.

Keeping your distance from your children, and refusing to touch, kiss, hold, wrestle, or play with them. By maintaining a physical distance from your children, you will teach them to doubt their own lovability. Children who are not fondled and physically loved begin to internalize the notion that they are not worth being held and loved. They begin to see themselves as unattractive, and ultimately they will doubt themselves as lovable, worthwhile hu¬mans.

“I believe that the time we really look big in a child’s eyes is when we go to them to apologize for our mistakes. I believe the words that no parent can do without are ‘I was wrong. Will you forgive me?’”

- DR. KEVIN LEMAN

Many erroneously believe that ADHD, (or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), is simply bad behavior. If a parent disciplines their child better, then the problem will go away. Well, the issue is not that simple. Why? It’s because there are physiological factors involved with the disorder. And, if these issues are not treated, the child will still suffer from the disease, (regardless of the amount of discipline they receive).

This is why most doctors recommend prescription medications for ADHD sufferers. And, usually these medications will fall into two categories: stimulants and non-stimulants.

Examples of stimulants include Ritalin, (the most infamous), Dexedrine and Adderall. All of them work the same way. Basically, they try to alleviate ADHD symptoms by increasing the amount of Dopamine in a child’s brain. This is a neurotransmitter that plays a vital role in making a person feel good.

Yet, for many ADHD children, the benefits associated with stimulants are short-lived. This is because they have a host of side effects including:

Heart problems

Sleeping difficulties

Psychiatric problems

Headaches & Stomach Aches

Addictive

For these reasons, doctors may want to recommend another category of medications for ADHD: non-stimulants. Specific examples can be seen through Strattera, antidepressants and blood pressure medications, (though only Strattera has been FDA-approved as an official medication for ADHD).

Like stimulants, non-stimulant ADHD medications try to control the disease by altering the child’s brain chemicals. However, instead of focusing on dopamine, they try to increase the brain’s norepinephrine, another chemical that affects a person’s mood.

But again, this doesn’t come without serious risks and side effects. They are as follows:

Suicidal thoughts

Tiredness

Nausea

Headaches

Irritability

That’s why you may want to consider an alternative medication for ADHD. How can you find one that will work? You will have to think outside of the box and consider homeopathic remedies.

For example, many parents find that various homeopathic herbs are so powerful they can, (on paper), be considered medications for ADHD. Here are just a few examples:

Centalla Asiatica – Also known as Gotu Kola, this herb relieves ADHD by increasing the brain’s blood flow.

Green Oats – Green Oats serves as a type of nerve tonic, which helps to calm the child, (especially if it’s given over a long period of time).

Panax Gingseng – As a medication for ADHD, this herb works on a different principle. Basically, it flushes out the child’s immune system, so any toxins that might be responsible for the disease never reach the brain.

Fiberzon, Gravizon and Envirozon – These botanicals also work on the same principle as Panax Gingsing. They purify the immune system, so that the child’s body as a whole functions better.

Another remedy can be found through a child’s dietary habits. True, diet is not considered a medication for ADHD, but you’d be surprised at how healing, normal everyday foods can be.

In conclusion, conventional medications for ADHD aren’t perfect. They are full of side effects, and sometimes they don’t even work. Remember too, that ADHD is not a life-threatening disorder. If it’s possible to treat the disease with a homeopathic remedy, wouldn’t that be better than succumbing your child to a lifetime of harmful prescription drugs which may not even work? Indeed, it’s definitely worth trying, especially if you work under the guidance of a homeopathic doctor.

Demanding behavior — from the time a child is about two to four a parent can usually expect to experience it. Occasionally children test limits in their attempts to separate from their parents as individuals, with preferences and ideas of their own. Parents should not, however, excuse such behavior as only a passing stage. A parent’s response to such bossiness may determine how long and how intense these battles last.

I’ve had many discussions with parents, individually and through the parenting classes and mother-at-home support groups I lead. I find many parents who are concerned about how to handle this behavior in their own child. I also heard many parents express concern about some of the problems that arose when the parent of a child’s playmate did not attend to this type of behavior. It started affecting their child’s behavior and the adult’s relationship with the other parent.

In an effort to reach some of the parents involved in this conflict, I combined what I learned through these discussions and my consultations with “the experts” via literature. I came to a better understanding about this common, irritating behavior and was able to suggest several ways for parents to approach a bossy child.

A CASE IN POINT

When I was working as a protective service caseworker, I made a home visit to a family with a four-year-old boy named David. David’s mother was frequently despondent, on medication for depression, and very passive. His father was often absent, slightly mentally retarded, and tended to physically punish (but not abuse) David.

David was a difficult to manage child but he mostly exhibited his demanding behavior and tantrums at home with his parents. At his grandparents, who cared for him frequently, David’s behavior was more acceptable. It was obvious that David was in control of his parents. When David didn’t get what he wanted, he would become so out of control his mother would eventually give in. Although she complained about David’s behavior, she said it was too hard to stand up to him. When she had tried to change her parenting approach David became destructive and defiant. When his mother tried to talk Davie out of his tantrums, his behavior became even more drastic. I observed him throwing and breaking things, yelling, and even ********* on the carpet to illustrate his protests and get his own way.

David’s example is extreme, but illustrates how passive pleading rewarded his demanding behavior. Many parents would say David was a spoiled brat who needed a good ******** — which his father tried, but it only made David’s bids for control increase. Others could probably see that a child like David — raised with inconsistent structure, guidelines, or consequences — can become determined to do whatever it takes to get more attention and control.

David’s case is clear evidence of what can happen when parents don’t set limits on a child’s demands. These parents were unable (due to physical problems and lack of skills) to give David the structure he needed. I’ve often wondered (and shuddered to imagine) what David will be like when he gets older and becomes more involved with peers and adults in the real world, where choices and consequences are the law of the land and people do not give in to him like his parents did.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Until a child is about two years old, parents can respond to a child’s emotional outbursts through distractions, reflective listening, and helping the child identify his/her feelings. Helping a child work through frustrations or walking away from a tantrum often results in an end to these outbursts. Demanding behavior can be an older child’s way of testing limits, can take many forms, and often comes on with little or no apparent reason.

There are actually some positive aspects to such strong-willed behavior in children. These children are often honest, speak up for themselves, and don’t let others push them around. They do not often succumb to peer pressure and are leaders rather than followers. Most parents would agree that they do not want their child blindly following orders from any adult who gives them. Keeping all this in mind we, as parents, can help these children learn how to channel their determination in a positive direction, rather than trying to break their will.

PARENTING STYLES

Even the most calm, easy-going parents can find themselves enraged and appalled when their child outwardly defies or challenges them. Many parents think to themselves, “My parents would never have allowed me to talk that way to them!” Many parents have conflicting feelings about how to respond to demanding behavior. They don’t want to let their child get away with the behavior but also don’t want to revert to some of the tactics their parents might have used, such as physical force or a because-I-say-so approach. Neither of these strategies results in long-term benefits, changing the behavior, or improving the parent-child relationship.

Physical force merely impresses the child with the importance of being in control and the child often uses this approach towards parents and peers later. Although the parent modeled this way of interacting, few recognize its role in perpetuating the power conflict.

The because-I-say-so approach often backfires, too. Children are in the process of developing logical thinking and when no logical reason is evident, they again interpret this strategy as an attempt to control them, thus escalating the power struggle.

At the other extreme, always giving a logical reason can lead to a parent going on and on with explanations. Children can capitalize on this by asking more and more questions to sidestep the real issue of their original defiant behavior. A parent should try to state their expectations only once or twice before following through.

If a parent interacts with his/her child courteously and with respect, the parent usually expects equal treatment from the child. Many parents strive for balanced child-rearing but implement it in such a way that they respect their children’s rights but allow themselves to get walked on. That is not balanced, it is more often called permissive. At the other extreme is the over-controlling parent, who’s uses power tactics to control the child but often fails to acknowledge the child’s feelings and preferences. In both cases the parents are missing a prime opportunity for allowing the natural and logical consequences of the situation to prevail.

A FRESH PERSPECTIVE

In most cases, parents can respond to demanding behavior by refusing to respond until the child’s request is appropriate. What, you may be saying, if this approach is met with an even more demanding response, like a tantrum, yelling, or even destructive behavior? First of all, a parent can expect children to resist a change in parenting styles if the parent has allowed himself/herself to be ordered around in the past to avoid a scene.

These parents are experiencing the consequences of inadvertently rewarding the demanding behavior in the past. Now these parents are faced with what appears to be a battle of wills. The How-long-can-you-hold-out-if-I-act-even-worse game has begun. This sequence can lead into a demonstration of who has more power and control between the two (and often it is the child).

For example, we’ve all probably been in a situation at home where we hear “Give me some milk!” Sometimes we blindly get the milk without attending to the demanding tone of voice. Often a simple reminder to ask nicely is all the parent needs to say. However, a parent must be consistent for the child to realize he does not get what he wants by ordering people around. Another common situation is a child changing his mind and expecting the parent to be at his beckoned call.

In the example of mealtimes, if a child chooses his meal and then changes his mind and no longer wants it, the parent has every right to refuse to be a short-order cook! At this point the child has several choices:

He can eat what the parent fixed.

The child can eat something different if he fixes it himself, which is a logical consequence. (Even a two- or three-year-old can fix some foods.)

He can wait until the next meal and experience the natural consequence of hunger.

If the child fusses about being hungry, the parent can politely point out the child’s choice not to eat the food he/she requested. This is and example of consequences and mutual respect at work. The parent is not a villain starving his child! Parents are family members with equal rights not to be short-order cooks who cater to children’s whims!

THERE IS STILL HOPE

The key for parents is to be willing to calmly follow through with consequences consistently. Down deep, children want guidance from parents because it communicates love. They can become discouraged and overly concerned with power if their parents don’t provide loving guidelines for living and model them consistently.

It is a disservice to children to protect them from some of the more uncomfortable consequences of their inappropriate behavior. It delays their life’s lessons and makes the inevitable ones harder to experience. As parents, we often want to protect our children from embarrassment and hurts. Many times we try to avoid conflict in our relationships, but this is not life. It is not our role to teach children to avoid life’s lessons. Instead, let them experience the lessons and be there to help guide them through it so they can learn something from it.

10 POINT PLAN

When dealing with demanding behavior in your child remember the following points:

Children and parents have rights and can assert these rights in respectful ways.

Parents are doing a disservice to themselves and to their child by giving in to demands to avoid a scene. Even if unintentional, this teaches the child that if his behavior gets severe enough he will get what he wants.

Always make sure you are modeling the kind of respectful communication you want your child to use; don’t keep a double standard. Acknowledge your child and show appreciation when he/she states something in a respectful way.

When your child does say something in a demanding tone of voice, reflect his/her feelings (“I understand you feel…”) before stating your expectation about how it should be said (“…but I expect you to tell me in a calm, polite way.”)

If parents allow the natural consequences of a situation to occur, the parent is not the one exerting the control, nature is. The parent can now face the situation calmly and from a detached position of presenting the child with his choices and then letting him experience the consequences of his choice.

Try to stick with choices within limits unless the behavior becomes even more unacceptable. When this happens, parents can shift the focus from the original issue to the behavior. The parent can present the child with a new set of choices. For example “You can calm down or we’ll leave.” Remember to focus on the behavior and not attack the child’s character.

Parents should be prepared to disengage and remove themselves or the child if the behavior escalates. Parents must be willing to leave a situation and trust that others will understand and respect their need to attend to the situation. Most people are supportive of a parent disciplining a child in a respectful way. Although some people would think this action would violate the parent’s right to enjoy an outing, one needs to remember that parental responsibilities do not end whenever it’s inconvenient for the parent to uphold them. The parent needs to remember the rights of others to exist in a peaceful environment and the child needs to learn that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable in all situations.

There are times when it is best to walk away from the situation and refuse to interact until the child’s behavior improves. A power struggle cannot occur with one person. Walking away is not giving in. Usually the child wants something from the parent, either some service or attention. Walking away will give the child nothing and will give him a chance to calm down and rethink his choice in the matter.

If the child has become destructive in the past, the parent can plan ahead by arranging a safe place for the child to go and discussing appropriate ways for the child to release angry energy away from others. Remember to tell the child specifically what behavior is acceptable rather than wording your statements in terms of “don’t”.

The middle of a tantrum is not the time to reflect feelings or try to talk a child out of being angry. That time has already passed and the child will now interpret these efforts as a denial of his feelings and he may escalate his behavior to convince the parent of how strongly he feels. Communication may be futile until the child calms down and may even keep the tantrum going by giving the child more attention for his behavior. Process what happened, the child and parent’s feelings, and the law of choices and consequences of behavior after the tantrum is over.

A parent’s goal is to immediately respond to demands with choices, consequences, and consistent follow-through to avoid power struggles and tantrums. If this is a new approach for a parent or if the parent’s consistency is new, the child will probably still have tantrums in response to this new approach. In fact, the child’s reactions may seem to be more extreme before it improves, because he is testing new limits. The child wants to see if the parent will react differently if embarrassed in public, if the child destroys things, or if the child loses control.

Just remember that this testing will be temporary if the parent is consistent with this new approach. Stick with it! If the parent maintains this game plan the child will eventually adjust and everyone will be happier with the new, more respectful ways of communicating.

Children bombard parents with many challenging behaviours. We are delighted if their behaviour is mostly positive. But what if your child constantly demonstrates negative behaviour? How are you going to deal with it?

Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline was based on the principle of severity and terms such as punishment, obedience and compliance were commonly used.

Often I hear parents say that they ***** or yell at their kids. This is not because these parents do not care for their children but because they really don’t know any different. If you look at the world today, what do you see as socially more “acceptable”; yelling at a child doing something “bad”, or creating a “yes” environment for that same child? The first of course, it’s the way it’s “always” been done, right?

Second, is there anything else going on in your child’s life that might be causing stress or is there anything else going on in your life that might be causing stress to your child? Children are creatures of habit. While they enjoy the new they also crave routine.

If he still refuses to follow the instruction, the parent follows up by saying, “That’s two.” At this point it would probably be a good idea to once again repeat the previous directions. If the child stops the inappropriate behavior and follows the instruction, then the problem has been solved. If the child still refuses to follow instructions than the parents simply states “That’s three,” and follows with the consequence stated at the start of the counting.

Parents need to acknowledge and provide positive responses every time a child follows the rules by giving some form of encouragement or reward. Otherwise, the child should be informed of the consequences for breaking the established rules. Children learn from experience, and it is therefore necessary to let them experience the consequences rather than submerge them into punishment. Most parents confuse parenting discipline with punishment, but it should not be the case. Instead, mistakes can be a turned into a venue for learning.

Be careful when using threats. You tend to say things you do not mean when you get angry. Too many threats will effect your child behavior too. They will learn from you and use your words to threat other people thus leads to bad manner.

We need to obviate the reliance on this method quickly, especially as one sensible alternative exists. Some experts have suggested that natural consequences be applied to correct action. For example, if your child breaks your favourite dish, it is better that the child is punished by having to sacrifice his weekly allowance or do extra chores as a consequence.

This seems to be one of the most overlooked methods of discipline but yet the very word discipline means instruction or teaching and the most effective way to teach or instruct is to open dialogue between you and your child. Speak with them and decipher the reasons behind their behavior