How to Discipline Your Child

Too soon to start thinking about what your children will do in the world to support themselves? Given the current state of the economy, and the changes we may be seeing in the workforce and the world as a result, it’s not too early to be thinking about your children’s future.

Once again, I’ll reference my two boys, since they’re very different in terms of talent and temperament. The older of my boys is away at a major university on a track scholarship. He also had good enough grades and was enough of an entrepreneur in high school that he probably would’ve gotten an academic scholarship, too, had it not been for his sports acumen.

My younger son is a different story. While my older boy is ambitious – a classic “self-starter” and entrepreneur – my younger son seems to lack any motivation or desire to excel. He struggles to get even a C on his report card, and he’s not very interested in business or college.

Had he not discovered his talent and his focus in life, he might have wandered aimlessly about. But he is good at something, and I’m glad I helped him find it and am doing all I can to be supportive.

He plays guitar. I know, I know. A musician? A rock ‘n roller? A band? What kind of career path is that?

Well, it’s certainly not my career path. And it’s probably not the path most parents would choose for their children. It is, however, his path, his talent, his love. And I’m every bit as proud of him as I am of my older son in college. My younger son and his band played their first live performance recently, and the joy and passion he had was evident. He even wrote the song they performed.

That’s the point of this parenting tip and I’ll illustrate it with a question: will it be enough for you if your child is happy and fulfilled in his life and career, or would you prefer that you’re happy and fulfilled by what he’s doing? Yes, putting “Dr.” in front of your child’s name, or “Esquire” after it might make you feel fulfilled, but wouldn’t you rather they found their own calling, their own career, their own happiness and passion in life?

To help them along that path, start early if possible, by helping them try different things and explore different talents and paths without pushing any of them. Just let them play, expose them to as many different activities and choices as possible, then simply support and encourage them along the way.

They may try and fail at many of them, but at least you know that you allowed them to find their talent and their own passion in life. And you got to be a part of it.

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Every parent has experienced this scenario in one form or the other: you go to drop your child off at day care for the first time or you leave for a little getaway with your spouse or partner, only to be greeted with your child’s tears, screams and heartbreaking cries of “Mommy!” or “Daddy!”. While this situation can cause even the most resilient parent to become consumed by guilt, the good news is that this type of behavior is perfectly natural in most children.

Known as separation anxiety, this behavior is common in children as young as eight months and can persist up until the early school years. However, for most parents, handling separation anxiety isn’t exactly a walk in the park! If your child is currently suffering from separation anxiety, here are a few expert tips that will have your child becoming more independent – and you feeling a little less guilty!

- Practice Makes Perfect. There’s an old saying that basically tells us that the faster we rip off a band-aid, the more it will hurt – but the pain will be less prolonged. With children, however, that saying should go straight out the window! Suddenly leaving your child with strangers for a long period of time – like with daycare, for example – can be one of the most traumatic experiences in a young child’s life. Instead, help your child get used to separation by gradually spending more and more time apart. Once your child enters daycare or school, he or she will adapt more readily to your absence.

- Give Your Child A Memento. Young children often need objects that provide them security; for example, perhaps your son or daughter has a blanket or stuffed animal that they keep with them at all times. You can apply this same thought in order to alleviate separation anxiety – give your child a small photo of yourself or some other small object that has significant meaning for the both of you. Tell your child that this object or photo means that you’ll always be with them.

- Follow Through! When greeted by your child’s tears and heartbreaking screams, it can often be tempting to give into the guilt and run back to them. However, you absolutely, under no circumstances, should reward their behavior with your return: this will only teach them that you’ll respond to their tempter tantrums, and that’s difficult behavior to unlearn! Say good-bye firmly, and don’t look back, no matter how much it breaks your heart.

- Reward Good Behavior. Negative behavior should never be reinforced, but if your child shows progress in overcoming his or her separation anxiety, reward them with praise and affection. Not only will this encourage your child to continue overcoming separation anxiety; it will help to remind them that you’ll always come back to them with lots of love and affection!

- Call In A Professional. There are many cases where mild separation anxiety develops into a full-blown disorder. If you suspect that your child is suffering from more than a normal case of separation anxiety, ask administrators and teachers if there are any counseling services offered by the school. Additionally, consider utilizing the services of a professional child psychologist, who will be able to teach both you and your child how to effectively deal with separation anxiety.

Remember, in most cases, separation anxiety is a natural phase in a young child’s life – with your love and encouragement, your son or daughter will soon overcome this stress and start to lead a more independent life.

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Do you have any children? If yes, have you ever learned about how to discipline them? Did you purchase any books about child discipline?

Child discipline is one of the most important factors on successful parenting. Parents who have good behavior and excellent self management skills children are successful parents. A child with good behavior knows how to respect the rights of others, which behaviors are acceptable and which are not, has good self-confident, and does not get too frustrated with the normal stresses of everyday life. This is not an easy task. Many parents already know about the importance of child discipline but they just do not know how and what to do. That is why every parent should learn about child discipline.

Here are 10 basics of child discipline guidelines:

1) First of all, you must understand that discipline is not same as punishment. It has more to do with teaching.

2) Be strict but not abusive. It means that you have to be consistent in your discipline method, or how you punish your child.

3) Think proactive. Before you act think ahead what is the consequences of your action.

4) Talk positively with love and care to your child. This is a good motivator. Tell your child what is the consequence of his/her misbehavior. Also tell him/her that you want them to be a good child.

5) Do you like to hear constantly what you have done wrong? Most of us do not like it. Same goes for children. By telling many times that they are doing wrong will tear them down. Praise and reward them whenever they behave good. If they always misbehave think of other techniques besides tell them that they are doing wrong. It is important that in disciplining children, we build them up rather than tear them down.

6) Set up a daily routine for your younger children and try to find a way on how to stick to it every day.

I have a friend who set up a schedule for her children. Whoever misses any jobs will be marked as red and get less marks. A child who has lower marks will get less school allowance. By this way her children will try to get all their jobs done!

7) Be careful when using threats. You tend to say things you do not mean when you get angry.

Too many threats will effect your child behavior too. They will learn from you and use your words to threat other people thus leads to bad manner.

Do not offer choices for must-do routine. For example when you set routine for them to get sleep at 10 pm, then you should say “It’s time for bed” rather than ” Do you want to go to bed now?”.

9) Experts say that giving too much command or repeating the same command is not an effective discipline method. You should give a command once and if not followed, then repeat it once again and warn him of the consequences for his misbehave will be. If still not effective, then apply the consequences.

10) Sometimes it is good to have “calm down” time. It gives benefit not only for your child but also for you.

One of a popular discipline technique among parents is time-out. Time-out is a discipline technique that involves placing children in a very boring place for several minutes following misbehavior. It is an effective discipline tool when used appropriately. Make sure the place is safe for your child and no distractions.

The above guidelines are only a few of many methods to discipline your child. There are many methods but you have to know how to use them. Different method works with different behavior. Before implementing any methods make sure you have studied about it. If you are really serious in getting your child to be discipline, buying a few books related to child discipline as your guidance is absolutely a good action.

Trying to get advice about how to deal with child behavior problems can be very confusing because people have conflicting opinions as to what is the best method to use. Some people have old-fashioned notions about dealing with child behavior problems, and they believe that yelling or ******** are acceptable methods.

Research studies have proved that this form of child discipline can be harmful to a child and so is discouraged. Children who have experienced their parents frequently yelling at them learn that it is okay for them to solve problems by raising their voice.

So if yelling and ******** are ineffective ways of dealing with child behavior problems what options are available to parents?

There are other effective ways to deal with child behavior problems. if you have a very young child you can say “no” firmly, and that is often enough for them to learn that you do not approve of that particular behavior. In the cases that just saying “no” is not a sufficient deterrent, then the next stage is to take the child physically away from that inappropriate activity.

Other effective ways of dealing with unacceptable child behavior with a child who is very young are using timeout or removing your attention from the child. This involves removing the child to a boring area of the house and ignoring him or her until they have calmed down. You can use this technique particularly efficiently with the child who is having a temper tantrum.

With slightly older children, you are able to use the logic of rewards and consequences and they are able to understand how this operates. Therefore you can deal with child behavior problems by withholding rewards and stopping privileges. for instance, if your child refuses to eat their meal do not force them to do so. Instead remove the meal, and when they asked for a snack suggest that they eat their meal first and then they would be able to have a snack. At the same time remember to always give rewards for behavior that does meet your approval.

If you are in need of help and would like to learn more about how to handle child behavior problems you can find helpful articles on the Internet. Parents can find e-books all about dealing with child behavior problems that are available for purchase as well as other programs that teach you very effective strategies to help you with your child’s behavior problems.

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There will always be an ongoing parental challenge to stay balanced between over- disciplining and under-disciplining your children. If you over-discipline your children to the degree that you are telling them how they must think, feel and speak, this type of behavior is called domination, not discipline. Over-disciplining your children to the degree that you are dominating them will contribute to their feelings of inferiority and insecurity (poor Self-esteem and Self-image) because they will feel that, “No matter what I do, it is never good enough.”

If you are unconsciously “caught” in a parental “fear identity” of over-disciplining your children and as such you are constantly correcting, ordering and telling them what to do, think and feel, you are teaching your children that they can’t do it alone and that they must depend on you to survive, which will make them feel incapable and not good enough.

Paradoxically, however, your job is to be your children’s parent, not their friend. They have enough friends. What they need is an authority figure whom they can depend upon, someone with whom they feel safe no matter what. The most important (and most difficult) parental word to learn to say is “no,” while simultaneously validating your children’s hurt feelings. It is normal and natural for your children to feel sad or angry when you tell them “no” because anyone would feel that way. This is a difficult learning paradox that many parents never master, so their parental actions polarize between being too lenient and too strict.

Domination is the opposite of the Self-parenting objective to teach your children how to parent themselves. If this fear identity is causing you to “rule over” your children because of some unconscious unmet needs of your own, I want you to take a deep, hard look at how this behavior is affecting your children’s Self-esteem and Self-confidence.

“When disciplining your child, avoid blaming, accusing, name-calling and threats.

The goal is to engage cooperation, set limits and teach your child Self-discipline—not to breed resentment and rebellion. You can do this by describing the situation that needs attention, giving your child information about cause and effect, discussing your feelings honestly and showing the big picture of a process.”

- WAYNE DYER

If touching, holding, kissing, and being physically demonstrative with your children is difficult for you because of your own unmet childhood emotional dependency needs, its important for you to own right here and now that it is rooted in your own poor Self-esteem and Self-image. If you have core fear beliefs such as: “It’s just the way I am; I can’t help it; I’ve always been that way,” then dis-creating these dis-empowering beliefs needs to be high on your list of holistic parenting priorities.

Wayne Dyer taught me some of the more common practices that contribute to lowered feelings of Self-worth and a depletion of Self-confidence in our children.

Telling our children that they are bad boys or girls. Children, who believe they are bad when they have only behaved badly, begin to assess their worth as a person based upon these judgments.

Telling our children that they are good boys or girls only when they behave properly. Here again, the difference between behaving properly or nicely and being a good person is not distin¬guished. It is just as detrimental to a child’s sense of Self-worth to believe that he is good only because he behaves well as it is to believe that he is bad because he sometimes behaves badly.

Constantly catching children doing something wrong. This approach to parenting says, “I will look for the things that my children are doing wrong and remind them about that behavior all the time.” Children who are only talked to or noticed when they are doing something wrong soon come to doubt themselves and believe that they are disliked.

Using pet names for children which contribute to a lowered sense of Self-regard. Calling children shorty, dumbo, turkey, klutz, nerd, spaz, fatso or any name which is not designed to promote positive Self-regard is a way of creating a lowered sense of Self-worth. These become daily reminders of how clumsy, incompetent or unattractive they are, and while they may seem like meaningless little pet names to you, they actually are repetitive reinforcers of apparent flaws to your children.

Viewing children as “apprentice people” who have not really arrived yet as total human beings. This attitude is characterized by treating children as if they are always preparing for life—telling them that someday they will know why they are expected to do what you are asking of them. This type of message conveys to children that they aren’t whole, that they are incomplete, and that they should view themselves as partial people.

Treating children as part of one big, whole unit, rather than as individuals. Constantly comparing children to brothers and sisters, or to you when you were a child, or to other children in the neighborhood, gives them a feeling of not being special and unique. If children are treated like pieces of a puzzle, rather than whole, unique, special individuals, they will soon begin to assess themselves in this way. Lowered Self-esteem comes from believing that “I am not special and unique,” and this kind of Self-assessment comes from hearing sentences like, “Who do you think you are, someone special?” “You’re no different from everybody else around here!” “Why can’t you be like your sister?” “Why, when I was a child, we always did what our parents said…or else!”

Refusing to give children responsibility. Doing and thinking for children will contribute to lowered Self-worth and undermine their Self-confidence. You will create opportunities for children to develop a lot of Self-doubt by constantly sending messages showing that you do not think they can do things correctly, or that they should not try because you believe it is too difficult for them.

Keeping your distance from your children, and refusing to touch, kiss, hold, wrestle, or play with them. By maintaining a physical distance from your children, you will teach them to doubt their own lovability. Children who are not fondled and physically loved begin to internalize the notion that they are not worth being held and loved. They begin to see themselves as unattractive, and ultimately they will doubt themselves as lovable, worthwhile hu¬mans.

“I believe that the time we really look big in a child’s eyes is when we go to them to apologize for our mistakes. I believe the words that no parent can do without are ‘I was wrong. Will you forgive me?’”

- DR. KEVIN LEMAN