How to Discipline Your Child

No matter how your own life will go after separation with your ex spouse, the most precious and fragile thing left with you is your children. They need to be taken care of under any circumstances. They need to be protected from another possible emotional shock in their young lives.

That’s why before considering starting to date again after divorce, one should very carefully think about this, taking into account children’s interests and protection.

Let’s talk about where are your children emotionally after the divorce of their parents, what are their fears, expectations, hopes.

What you need to do to help them grow healthy after this painful experience and protect them from another possible stress.

Generally, after divorce of their parents, children are either distressed or angry. They are not so experienced yet to hide or to kill sincere feelings inside, so you can see and tell by your child how he feels.

However, quiet children require more attention – they respond to adversity by withdrawing emotionally or freezing. These quiet children may be more distressed, and need help more, than children whose emotional upset is obvious.

Children look for protection, unknowingly seeking help in you. So, this period, right after divorce, might be crucial for all future relationships between you and your child. From your behavior and level of attention you grant to your child right now, will depend how he or she feels, and what kind of personality will be grown into.

Though, you need to take care of yourself first, and stabilize your own emotional conditions. Your children need to see and hear you self-confident and full of life. And this is the best motivation for you to arrive there – your own children need it. I recall a comparison, which I’ve read somewhere – first rule of safety on airplane’s board is: put oxygen mask on your face first, otherwise you will not be able to help your child. I think it’s very true.

They might look not listening, but they do see everything. Your behavior, your actions, voice, emotions, literally everything – is a model your children will most likely adopt and follow.

You should be aware, that children most often feel either guilt for divorce of their parents and fear of loosing a second parent.

This is the time you need to be a very special in attention. Despite the fact you’re busy with your job, a new match, busy with your own feelings – find special time for you children. They must feel loved and special like never before.

Never give promises to your children not to date anymore. You can’t guarantee it to yourself, don’t cheat, even if you’re not going to. Keeping your promises lets your child know that he or she can trust you, which will help him or her adjust to your divorce more easily.

Open communication with your children is always the best you can do. Talk wisely, talk with love, at the same time do not let your children to command you where to go.

You need to start a new life for the sake of them.

When you are ready, you are about to start dating again and begin new relationships. There are several short advices as how to proceed with new dating. We discuss all those dating after divorce related topics at http://healthwisenews.com more detailed.

Before you start dating again try to “socialize” your kid. Spend more time with friends, in good company, so when you start dating your children won’t feel that your date is taking their time with you, but just a normal time going out.

Let you children know that their relationship with you will not change because you are beginning to date. Being secured and assured in their relationship with you, they are less likely to feel afraid.

Spend as much time with your kids as you can. Spend this time both by yourself and with your new partner. It will tell your kids they are important and that you are paying attention to their needs.

Listen to your kids. Let them express their thoughts and impressions of your new date. It is not only good for them to feel important to you but you can also surprisingly find out some very interesting things about your new partner. A childs view is free from “adult wisdom”, they see things as they are. And this can be very helpful. Just listen to your kids.

Do not criticize your children in the presence of your new partner. And don’t allow your date to discipline your kids. Otherwise kids will realize somebody more important came into your life. They will not feel secure.

Don’t introduce casual dating partners to your children. Children become attached easily and then suffer more loss. Having a revolving door with many short term relationships in your child’s life causes ambivalence. Think which model your child will follow when they grow up.

Do not force an introduction of your new partner. If you have already decided they are the right person, do not force your children to meet or accept them. Give them time to get to know the new person in your life. If handled correctly, given time, your child will accept the relationship.

Being single with children is often challenging and exhausting. Another set of challenges appears when it comes to dating. It’s easy to be confused as to how to parent and date at the same time. Communication with your child is always the goal no matter the situation.

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You will know your child is difficult before he is two years old, especially if you have other children. He exhausts you. He cannot sit still, does not listen to instructions, and gets in trouble constantly. A former foster mother of 36 children with severe ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) said, "These kids make your eyeballs tired."

If your child has behavior problems, it is hard to know what to do next. You may be reluctant to get him assessed right away because you still have questions. What if he just has a lot of energy? What is normal behavior anyway?

Typical Milestones of Children without Child Behavior Problems

At three years oldhe can initiate play activities and he enjoys playing with other kids.

At four years oldhe talks and plays with his peers, takes turns when playing games, cooperates in groups, and helps adults when asked.

At five years oldhe can follow established rules and routines. He apologizes when he hurts others, shows his emotions in different situations, is helpful to his peers, and seeks help from adults when crises occur.

When It Is Time to Get Your Child’s Assessment

If your child cannot accomplish these tasks and he is more than five years old, there is a greater likelihood that he has ADHD. Do not wait any longer.

You need to seek a professional opinion for a proper diagnosis. Be aware that many doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists prefer to wait until a child is more than five years old to diagnose and medicate.

If children’s behavior problems are severe, these medical professionals will make exceptions. Defiant children need specific help to keep from developing ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).

If you observe these signs of ADHD in your child before he is seven years old, start keeping a journal on child behavior problems.

Keeping a History Journal to Record Child Behavior Problems

Start your journal when you first notice your child’s peculiar behaviorsknown clinically as his age of onset. This journal is more important than you can imagine.

Note the frequency and duration of his symptoms, including eating and sleeping habits, bruises left on siblings and peers, out-of-control incidents, and aggressive or destructive behavior. Enter the troubles he had in various settings, for example, nursery school, daycare, restaurants, grocery stores, and at family reunions and other social events. Document his response to your parenting and child discipline. You will need this information for his official assessment.

You Can Do This

If you suspect it’s time to get your child assessed, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started.

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Criticism, nagging and scolding by parents -in harsh or soft words, on major or minor issues-destroys the self esteem of the child. But it may also rouse a very dangerous feeling in the child -that of guilt. This feeling of guilt can distort the way the child thinks about himself.

How do you react to his ‘mischief’? Children are children. We often lose our patience when they act their age. But little do we realize that our repeated remarks like ‘every time you go out, you create a fuss for having something or the other’ or ‘you are such a stubborn child’ can make the child feel guilty of being a ‘trouble maker’. As a result he may become conscious of his actions and gradually stop expressing himself.

How do you deal with his unreasonable ‘wants’? Children don’t understand why he cannot have everything he

 wants nor that one should pay to get something. But when children insist on taking some toy from the shop or somebody’s place or bring home something without the knowledge of parents, mostly parents criticize the child for being greedy or accuse him of stealing. This makes the child doubt his intentions and feel guilty for being mean.

How do you take their naivety? Innocent remarks by children may cause a rift between the parents or the family members. Blaming the child for causing misunderstandings makes him feel guilty for the unhappiness caused to you. Don’t burden your little child by holding him responsible for issues arising in the family.

How do respond to his failures? When parents express their disappointment or how ashamed they feel when the child loses in a competition or doesn’t

 score good marks, it is the ultimate blow to his self-confidence. The child begins to feel he is not good enough. And he’ll operate all his life from the understanding ‘others are good, I am bad’.

How do you make him realize his mistakes? While disciplining the child, parents indulge in soft emotional blackmail like ‘we love you so much, we have given you everything, still you misbehave or don’t listen to us’. This can make the child guilty of being ‘unworthy’. He may feel he is someone who doesn’t deserve good parents. Well, the fact is that every child deserves good parents and good parenting which is entirely in your hands.

The child who is weighed down by guilt can never rise in life. Hence, point out to your child his mistakes in a way that gives him the power to improve and not feel guilty of them. 

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Nothing is more annoying and trying than little ones with no manners. The temptation to throw them outside the window and scream out your head is almost unavoidable. What is your experience? Am sure you are just about to forego dating a woman with children as a result of the children unbecoming behavior. Hang in there your plans won’t abort.

Children are sometimes so stubborn especially when their mother is soft on them. You are dating a woman with children and you are confused on your next step. They shout at you, yell and you are going insane. Lay out a plan and shape the brats and they will be grateful you came their way.

If you agreed to dating a woman with children i am sure you have given it a thought and decided to give it a shot. Don’t expect the children to be obedient to you initially but how you respond to their reaction is of great importance.

Self-control is important too. Don’t answer them back when they call you names. It is good to advice them accordingly. For instance you can tell them that is an insult and unwise for kids to throw abuses to adults and their fellow kids. It is not a wonder that nobody has ever taken time to explain to them what is good and what is bad. You are dating a woman with children and they too contribute to your happiness and self-worth.

Next time you will see the same kids who disrespected you coming to you for advice. It is very fulfilling to them to get someone to consult on simple issues and guide their moves. Dating woman with children makes you realize your untapped potential in parenting. This cements your relationship with the woman in question and easily boosts your morale.

What do you do incase the children err? I know you fear judgement but you know when you spare the rod things go bad. When dating a woman with children their manners affect your relationship and your way of inflicting discipline is instrumental.

Remember while dating a woman with children, it is wise of you to make sure you don’t whack her children before you give them some advice. Warn them against the bad behavior after the first mistake and after the second its then you can take the cane and give a fair beating. By this i mean don’t break the child’s hand over stealing one dollar. It’s good to be lenient lest you are accused of being harsh.

Dating a woman with children requires cooperation between you and your partner in changing their attitude towards you. Make her understand she is better placed to explain some sensitive issues to her children than you are. They might need some explanation which only her can offer and may be she has no mind to disclose them. Advice her accordingly and it will work miracles.

The children might be too much attached to you as well as the woman and that guarantees you success in dating a woman with children.

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Friends of mine have three children: Susan (female, 14), Trevor (male, 13), and Lucy (female, 10). Recently forced to single parent for a period of 3 years, the mother (Hanna) found herself tested beyond what she felt were her limits.

Although Trevor has a wonderful heart, his ‘rev’ runs higher than most and as a result, he is pretty self-centered and not naturally sensitive to the feelings of others. Highly intelligent, easily bored, and naturally pushy, he presents a challenge to everyone. Hanna would talk, lecture and ground him, to no avail. His sisters’ response was to align themselves with their mother’s attempts to make Trevor behave, identifying themselves as ‘good’ and Trevor as ‘bad.’ It didn’t take many years to create a self-perpetuating cycle of family dynamic that branded him as the Family Problem, with Trevor proving the brand. This dynamic manifested in the girls feeling superior to Trevor which in turn fueled his lack of self esteem, as well as creating an environment in which the girls sought empowerment by calling attention to their “goodness” by bringing any and all Trevor complaints to Hanna for resolution as opposed to working them out amongst themselves. Hanna was overloaded, the children were mis-identifying themselves, and not learning to resolve problems on their own. A pretty tangled mess.

Trevor’s acting-out events began to increase in frequency and seriousness in his father’s absence, culminating in his decision to take his sister’s MP3 player, replacing all her music with his own selections. Hanna didn’t know what else to do but ground him for 2 months which included no socializing, music, computer or TV usage.

To compound things, Hanna and the children live in a very small apartment. Trevor’s 2-month grounding effectively put a hyper-active boy in everybody’s way with nothing for him to do except whip the existing dysfunction to fever pitch levels.

One day, while I sat meditating on their situation, God showed me a simple little idea. I discussed the idea with Hanna and she agreed to try it out. She was desperate and probably would have agreed to anything, but this simple approach has turned out to be miraculous in the scope of it’s effect. Here’s how it went:

Hanna asked her children to make a list of their favorite things. What they like to do, what privileges they enjoy, their favorite possessions. This was done, with an eye toward what could be taken away from them (for example, Trevor originally listed playing with his sisters but we felt that this is not something that should be ‘taken away’ from him).

Once they completed this list, Hanna then asked them to put the items in the order of their preference. In other words, if they could only have one thing, which one would they pick; if they could have a second thing, which one would they add, etc., until they were arranged as such.

After this was accomplished, it was time to have a discussion about ground rules. Hanna kept her announcements simple: If they don’t complete their assigned chores, if they misbehave in school to the extent that a teacher reports it to Hanna, if they choose to misbehave at home (more thoughts about what constitutes ‘misbehaving’ further on), they will loose everything on their list (a condition we refer to as ‘Busted Back to Zero’). From there, each day that they complete without an incident entitles them to get back one item from the list the following day. And here’s the twist: the list is used upside down! The first thing they get back is the last thing on their list, and the last thing they get back is the first thing on their list. Every time they choose to misbehave, they get Busted Back to Zero and have to work their way back again – even if they are only halfway through the list from the last transgression.

It quickly becomes apparent that the more items on your child’s list, the longer it takes for him/her to regain full privileges, so having at least seven guarantees a week of focused intentionality on the part of your child. It is also crucial that your child does not know HOW the list will be used until after it has been composed and numbered.

It’s a good idea to present it to the child as an adjustable structure. In this family’s case, for example, Hanna had expressed her desire to the children that they learn to resolve the differences between siblings on their own, instead of running to her with ‘tattletales.’ She assured them that she would monitor the situation, from afar, to keep them all safe.

In that vein, when it came time to ascertain what constitutes misbehaving at home, we left Trevor’s tendency to annoy his sisters off the list. However, Hanna did inform Trevor that while his overall treatment of his sisters would not be ‘bust-able’ for now, this would be quickly amended if he took unfair advantage of the reprieve.

I should note here that the recommendation to leave annoying his sisters off the ‘bust-able offense’ list was made in consideration of the ‘Problem Child’ habit of perception that had developed over the years. We wanted to give Trevor a clean slate, and Hanna and her daughters an opportunity to redirect their habit of assuming the worst out of Trevor. To this end, Hanna and I speak frequently about her efforts to set a more intentional example for the girls via Hanna’s treatment of Trevor – choosing her words more carefully so that more respect, and less accusation and judgment, is evident. We were testing the hypothesis that if the assumption of Trevor’s ‘badness’ could be lifted from the paradigm of that household, then perhaps he would find room to grow and able to afford more sensitivity toward the feelings of others.

The truth of this situation is that the Busting Back To Zero plan was really put into effect for Trevor. The girls had no overt behavior problems, aside from an occasional unfinished chore day. But we thought it made sense to put it in place for everyone, so that there was less of a spotlight on Trevor which helps parties on both sides of the ‘Problem Child’ designation.

On the day the program was put into place, Hanna lifted the 2-month grounding from Trevor and started him at Ground Zero on the new plan. He was very motivated to meet the challenge — it was immediately evident that he was enjoying the sense of control this allowed him in his life. No more wondering what would happen if he got caught, no more trying to negotiate with his mother over every punishment. Even though it took him getting Busted Back to Zero three times inside of two weeks before he was able to have all of his ‘favorite things’ returned to him, he maintained an attitude of focused enthusiasm during that time.

The overall effect of this approach includes a lessening of tension between Trevor and his sisters, as well as changes in Hanna’s parenting. She is more motivated to remember to turn her remarks ‘around’ so they are affirmative in nature, rather than accusatory — this is setting an important example for her daughters at the same time it helps disperse the negative consensus energy they unconsciously collected and directed toward Trevor. And finally, the simplicity of the plan is giving Hanna more confidence when there is a need for her to be firm with the children. Where the children used to wear her down with the endless negotiating, she now has some breathing room in which space she has noticed something growing: her authority!

I can’t say enough here about my personal amazement at the power of such a simple idea. It is truly a dynamic, empowering concept that accomplished in three weeks what had been unattainable over the course of 12 years.

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