How to Discipline Your Child

Many of us still abide by the old maxim ‘Spare the rod and spoil the child’. Sparing the rod does not necessarily always spoil the child. Let me share with you how and why….

If we recall, most often we would have caned our children, when they have been stubborn or have refused to listen to us. Our strong desire is to have well disciplined children who listen to us all the time and abide by what we say. “Unfulfilled desire is the root cause of our anger”. When they falter we flare up. While threatening to cane may be an effective way to deter their wrong behaviour, caning children is just an outlet to our pent up emotions.

Punishment is the not the only way to discipline our kids. We have to reason it out with them. We have to express our love for them. We have to show them that we care for them and that we are genuinely concerned about their future. Genuine love is the unconditional love that comes from the heart, which need not be extraordinary. Let us genuinely love our kids and be loved, without getting sick and tired of it.

Despite all this, if we still have to resort to punishment, we have to take the effort to distinguish between the ‘ Person’ and the ‘ Issue or the behaviour’. Let us make it very clear to our children that we are condemning their action and not them.

Studies show that, children who are often caned become more rebellious. They are the ones who have more emotional and behavioural problems. So, Caning would mean falling off the frying pan, into the fire.

Read on to know why?

It was about 11 pm when my phone rang. Just as I wondered who it could be, I heard someone sob at the other end. I wondered why she had called me then, that too sobbing. I knew that she was really heart broken.

She had often told me about the fights that go on between her parents. The fights were stormy with her mom slapping the dad and threatening to divorce. I thought that, it must have been one of those days, where the fight had gone beyond control and that she needed a shoulder to cry on… I was wrong… It was not a fight between her parents.

She always felt that she was not liked or loved by anyone, both at school and at home. Her mother evinced her rage evoked by the fights on the hapless child. The agony was so traumatising that she would do anything to escape from the treacherous world.

Between stifled sobs, she told me that she was leaving home. I was shocked and asked her why. Even at that point in time, it did not strike me that she was in trouble and that too, all alone. Her mom had locked her up after caning her for procrastinating to cleanup the dinner table. In her wild rage and pent up emotions, the little girl was mangled and doused with left over soup and dumped into the dog’s kennel. She successfully broke open the lock and thought of calling me before leaving the house.

I tried talking her out, for an hour, but she refused to budge. I knew why. The tormented heart was torn during the turbulent situations and it had overruled the mind. I admonished her about the wretched world, out in the dark. When she was impervious to my pleas, I started worrying. I was afraid that my effort to forbid the child would go into smoke if I did not handle the situation carefully.

I could feel the pain that the tender heart was going through. The sobs made my heart melt. I was helpless and wanted God to show me the way to dissuade the child from getting out of the house. Although I was successful in making the 12 year old stay at home that night ……….. now, the sixteen year old is a school dropout, a chain smoker and head of gangsters. As expected, her mom and dad are divorced and she is left, out in the streets, with no one to care for or condemn her behaviour.

I was so traumatised by this whole event and thought that I should pour out my heart to you all, so that you will not be responsible for making a tender heart sob or spoil the future of someone, who could have otherwise blossomed…

So, let us resist caning or use it sparingly to get the best results. Here is an analogy: Our children are like the crop and their wrong behaviour is like the pest. Caring is like providing the fertiliser and manure required for the healthy growth of the crop. Caning is like a pesticide. When we use too much of the pesticide, the pests become resistant to it. Then we may have to provide even a stronger dose (severe punishment by law) of it to keep them under control.

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Raising children is a challenging adventure for all parents. Trying to discipline a toddler can be a frustrating experience. These adorable tiny people are so excited to learn and grow that they seem to be all over the place and into anything and everything. During these exciting and growing years with your young child, creative discipline techniques can be very helpful. At times, it may feel easier to just give in to them and let them do whatever they want, but you are really not helping them to learn how to behave. Being creative in your discipline approach will be more enjoyable for both you and your young child.

It is quite common for young children to be unruly and out of control at home and out in public. Try to take notes to remember what is going on around your child when they start acting out of control. Young children tend to be disruptive when they are hungry or tired. If you can figure out what is causing them to misbehave it is much easier to correct. It can be as easy as feeding them or putting them down for a nap. A creative discipline approach is to always carry healthy snacks with you and be prepared to leave an outing early if you child is tired.

If your young child is not hungry or tired, and is hitting you or other children or throwing a tantrum, before overreacting yourself, take a deep breath and think about what you can do to distract your child and refocus him or her on a more positive behavior. Try to involve your child in helping you to clean a room or put things away. If you are out in public, you can ask your child to help you with your shopping. This creative discipline technique will not only redirect them from their unruly behavior, but it will help to build their self esteem at the same time.

Creative discipline techniques are easier to use at home than when shopping or at other public places. When you are home, there are many creative options available to you. Just look around the house. You can redirect your young child’s behavior by asking them to help you fold the laundry, clean up their toys, or dust the furniture. And, remember your goal is to redirect their behavior by doing something positive. Don’t worry about how they are doing job. You will probably have to re-fold the laundry, and that is okay. If you are at a grocery store, you can redirect your child by asking them to help you find items in the store. When you take the time to observe your child’s behavior patterns and responses, it will become much easier for you to use effective creative discipline techniques with your children.

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As adults, our lives are usually filled with stress. The commute to work, everything we have to do and deal with around the house (including raising our children). Work. Bills. Taxes. And so on.

We’re stressed-out. And, by comparison, we probably tend to think that being a child is a breeze by comparison. What could kids possibly have to worry about compared to what we as parents do? Believe it or not, a lot!

Consider the pressures that children may feel from sources such as friends, school and your own family. Think about the pressure to perform, to meet goals and expectations in young people who may not yet have mastered the skills it takes to deal with such tasks.

Your children may also feel stress from separation anxiety, or they may take on stress that you and your spouse are experiencing from work, an illness in the family, financial matters, even a divorce or other problems in the families of their friends.

And don’t forget the impact of the world around them. Kids watch TV and see some pretty horrible things taking place. They may even discuss such things in school or with their peers.

So, what should you do about helping to relieve such stresses in your children?

First, be alert for symptoms of stress in children (complaining about being overwhelmed, a change in demeanour, aggressiveness, twirling hair, nightmares, bedwetting, etc). The best and simplest way to tackle the issue of stress is to talk things out and try to come up with solutions together. If your children don’t want to talk about it, try sharing how you feel about such things first.

Also be sure your children get enough quality time, rest and proper nutrition. If you know of some stressful event that is on the horizon (doctor’s appointment, aging grandparent, etc.), talk about it ahead of time and try to prepare the child for it.

Lastly, if the problem is severe, consider seeking professional help. However, also keep in mind that we all experience stress and it’s normal. It’s how we deal with it, overcoming those feelings of fear, anger, frustration, loneliness, or being overwhelmed that can help us and children manage the stresses that come with life.

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Remember that Cindy Lauper song, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun?” Your kids – from preschool to teenagers – just want to have fun. Work just isn’t on the minds of most kids, big or small. As adults, you and I know that work has to get done, and we know when it has to be done. Kids, not so much.

I can’t count the number of times over the years when I’d tell one or both of my boys to do something, and they’d act like I wasn’t even there. Before I learned this one simple tip, I’d talk and talk, threaten, cajole, sometimes even try bribery, just to get them to acknowledge my request and get their little ***** in motion. I was the parent, after all. My word was law and I should be respected and obeyed, right?

Yes, of course. But I discovered, through trial and error, and some research, that there was a problem with my approach. Think of it this way: imagine that you’re a light bulb on a dimmer switch, or a lamp that has several brightness settings that are clearly visible to your kids.

When you first start out with your request for your children, you’re on the “low” setting. You’re relatively calm, and the “low” setting indicates to your children that there’s still plenty of time before you get to “high” and go ballistic. And, thus, they’re free to “tune you out.”

In other words, your kids have learned — thanks to your behaviour and your parenting approach — that they can ignore your requests, and you’ll continue to make pleas, threats, etc., until you’re blue in the face. You’re predictable, but not in a good way that produces the results you’re looking for. In other words, the consequences of your children’s lack of attentiveness and/or obedience are not predictable.

What needs to change? First, you do need to be predictable, but in a way that your children will see repeated over and over again. That’s consistency. There’s nothing wrong with the light bulb-dimmer switch analogy or approach. You simply have to implement it a little differently:

Low: you make the request calmly, being as specific as possible so there’s no misunderstanding of what you’re saying to them. For example, asking a question (“Joey, can you take out the garbage?”) may seem specific as far as the task, but you’re essentially leaving the request open to your child’s interpretation and decision-making. Not necessarily bad for older children, once you’ve established positive behaviours. But, especially for younger children, try saying something specific and direct like this instead: “Joey, please take out the trash before dinner.”

Medium: If your child does not respond or continues to tune you out, this is a crucial fork in the road. This is where you “turn up the intensity of the light.” Try saying just once: “If you don’t do what I asked, there will be a consequence.”

Over the years, I’ve found that shouting or threatening is not the right approach. They still just tuned me out. Instead, I like to (still calmly) approach my boys, get up close so we’re making eye contact face-to-face, and simply let them know that this is how this household (and life) works. Doing something you’re not supposed to do, or not doing something you’ve been asked by a person in authority do, has consequences.

Again, remember that you don’t stay in this stage, repeating, asking, begging, or threatening. While being reasonable, this is where you show your children a calm predictability again and again. And, when you see the desired results, then be sure to praise the proper behaviour. If not, then you move on to “high intensity.”

High: In this “high intensity” stage, you’ve reached the consequence, or punishment phase, since the request has been ignored. Again, there’s likely to be drama on the part of your children when they discover the punishment, the consequence they’ve invoked. For younger children, this could be a “timeout” away from toys or TV. For older children, it could be loss of privileges, allowance, use of the car, etc.

Here, you’ll probably want to keep it short and simple, without hysterics or punishment that doesn’t “fit the crime.” But, do try to be both consistent and predictable, and keep following this approach. You won’t change all your kids’ behaviours over night, but by being calm, consistent and predictable, you’re on your way to less stress, less drama, and more compliant children.

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