Is it Actually OKAY For Your Child to Lie?
Monday, February 9th, 2009
Believe it or not, I’m going to say, “Yes.”
Children lie. Sometimes they lie way more than we as parents would like them to. That’s because children want to avoid consequences and punishment when they do something wrong, or they’re simply trying to avoid some unpleasant task. That’s human nature, and it’s most evident in younger children.
It’s also one of the gravest concerns parents can have regarding their children, and what might result later in life if the pattern continues.
Now, let me qualify my initial comment that it’s okay to lie. We all tell lies that are meant to spare another person’s feelings, and your children should understand that fact. This is a form of “politeness,” or social grace, if you prefer, holding one’s tongue if nothing nice can be said and being completely honesty would prove injurious. And you and your children should continue to discuss the difference between being socially polite and being dishonest and disingenuous.
Now, what can parents do to correct outright lying and dishonesty? First of all, distinguish between your child’s playful imagination, which may invent people and stories for entertainment, but is not meant to be deceitful or injurious.
Two, examine your parenting style and what happens if and when your child is honest/dishonest with you, especially about matters that involve punishment. Consider which is more important to you: punishing your child for a mistake, or your child being able to come to you with any mistake, any problem, any issue without fear?
In addition to examining your own parenting style and the demands and pressures you may be placing on your children, also take into account the pressures that other authority figures (teachers, other parents, peers, etc.) can be putting on children.
If you do feel you have an inherently dishonest child, here are some steps to take:
- Role model, role model, role model.
- Establish your family’s philosophy about honest and dishonesty, including when it’s okay to not be completely honest.
- Make sure your children understand the difference between being a creative storyteller (fantasy) and life (reality).
- Establish when it’s okay to bend a rule (and the truth) to spare another person’s feelings.
- Praise the right behaviour. Discuss and explain the consequences of genuinely dishonest behaviour. And be consistent about both.
- Role play problem-solving techniques with your children. Remember, lying is often the result of avoiding problems, rather than facing them. By teaching your children this skill, it should make the need for lying disappear as they grow into adulthood.
Lastly, remember what it was like for you as a child and teenager. Remember your need for privacy and balance that with your need as a parent for trust in your children and their truthfulness.
