How to Discipline Your Child

Demanding behavior — from the time a child is about two to four a parent can usually expect to experience it. Occasionally children test limits in their attempts to separate from their parents as individuals, with preferences and ideas of their own. Parents should not, however, excuse such behavior as only a passing stage. A parent’s response to such bossiness may determine how long and how intense these battles last.

I’ve had many discussions with parents, individually and through the parenting classes and mother-at-home support groups I lead. I find many parents who are concerned about how to handle this behavior in their own child. I also heard many parents express concern about some of the problems that arose when the parent of a child’s playmate did not attend to this type of behavior. It started affecting their child’s behavior and the adult’s relationship with the other parent.

In an effort to reach some of the parents involved in this conflict, I combined what I learned through these discussions and my consultations with “the experts” via literature. I came to a better understanding about this common, irritating behavior and was able to suggest several ways for parents to approach a bossy child.

A CASE IN POINT

When I was working as a protective service caseworker, I made a home visit to a family with a four-year-old boy named David. David’s mother was frequently despondent, on medication for depression, and very passive. His father was often absent, slightly mentally retarded, and tended to physically punish (but not abuse) David.

David was a difficult to manage child but he mostly exhibited his demanding behavior and tantrums at home with his parents. At his grandparents, who cared for him frequently, David’s behavior was more acceptable. It was obvious that David was in control of his parents. When David didn’t get what he wanted, he would become so out of control his mother would eventually give in. Although she complained about David’s behavior, she said it was too hard to stand up to him. When she had tried to change her parenting approach David became destructive and defiant. When his mother tried to talk Davie out of his tantrums, his behavior became even more drastic. I observed him throwing and breaking things, yelling, and even ********* on the carpet to illustrate his protests and get his own way.

David’s example is extreme, but illustrates how passive pleading rewarded his demanding behavior. Many parents would say David was a spoiled brat who needed a good ******** — which his father tried, but it only made David’s bids for control increase. Others could probably see that a child like David — raised with inconsistent structure, guidelines, or consequences — can become determined to do whatever it takes to get more attention and control.

David’s case is clear evidence of what can happen when parents don’t set limits on a child’s demands. These parents were unable (due to physical problems and lack of skills) to give David the structure he needed. I’ve often wondered (and shuddered to imagine) what David will be like when he gets older and becomes more involved with peers and adults in the real world, where choices and consequences are the law of the land and people do not give in to him like his parents did.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

Until a child is about two years old, parents can respond to a child’s emotional outbursts through distractions, reflective listening, and helping the child identify his/her feelings. Helping a child work through frustrations or walking away from a tantrum often results in an end to these outbursts. Demanding behavior can be an older child’s way of testing limits, can take many forms, and often comes on with little or no apparent reason.

There are actually some positive aspects to such strong-willed behavior in children. These children are often honest, speak up for themselves, and don’t let others push them around. They do not often succumb to peer pressure and are leaders rather than followers. Most parents would agree that they do not want their child blindly following orders from any adult who gives them. Keeping all this in mind we, as parents, can help these children learn how to channel their determination in a positive direction, rather than trying to break their will.

PARENTING STYLES

Even the most calm, easy-going parents can find themselves enraged and appalled when their child outwardly defies or challenges them. Many parents think to themselves, “My parents would never have allowed me to talk that way to them!” Many parents have conflicting feelings about how to respond to demanding behavior. They don’t want to let their child get away with the behavior but also don’t want to revert to some of the tactics their parents might have used, such as physical force or a because-I-say-so approach. Neither of these strategies results in long-term benefits, changing the behavior, or improving the parent-child relationship.

Physical force merely impresses the child with the importance of being in control and the child often uses this approach towards parents and peers later. Although the parent modeled this way of interacting, few recognize its role in perpetuating the power conflict.

The because-I-say-so approach often backfires, too. Children are in the process of developing logical thinking and when no logical reason is evident, they again interpret this strategy as an attempt to control them, thus escalating the power struggle.

At the other extreme, always giving a logical reason can lead to a parent going on and on with explanations. Children can capitalize on this by asking more and more questions to sidestep the real issue of their original defiant behavior. A parent should try to state their expectations only once or twice before following through.

If a parent interacts with his/her child courteously and with respect, the parent usually expects equal treatment from the child. Many parents strive for balanced child-rearing but implement it in such a way that they respect their children’s rights but allow themselves to get walked on. That is not balanced, it is more often called permissive. At the other extreme is the over-controlling parent, who’s uses power tactics to control the child but often fails to acknowledge the child’s feelings and preferences. In both cases the parents are missing a prime opportunity for allowing the natural and logical consequences of the situation to prevail.

A FRESH PERSPECTIVE

In most cases, parents can respond to demanding behavior by refusing to respond until the child’s request is appropriate. What, you may be saying, if this approach is met with an even more demanding response, like a tantrum, yelling, or even destructive behavior? First of all, a parent can expect children to resist a change in parenting styles if the parent has allowed himself/herself to be ordered around in the past to avoid a scene.

These parents are experiencing the consequences of inadvertently rewarding the demanding behavior in the past. Now these parents are faced with what appears to be a battle of wills. The How-long-can-you-hold-out-if-I-act-even-worse game has begun. This sequence can lead into a demonstration of who has more power and control between the two (and often it is the child).

For example, we’ve all probably been in a situation at home where we hear “Give me some milk!” Sometimes we blindly get the milk without attending to the demanding tone of voice. Often a simple reminder to ask nicely is all the parent needs to say. However, a parent must be consistent for the child to realize he does not get what he wants by ordering people around. Another common situation is a child changing his mind and expecting the parent to be at his beckoned call.

In the example of mealtimes, if a child chooses his meal and then changes his mind and no longer wants it, the parent has every right to refuse to be a short-order cook! At this point the child has several choices:

He can eat what the parent fixed.

The child can eat something different if he fixes it himself, which is a logical consequence. (Even a two- or three-year-old can fix some foods.)

He can wait until the next meal and experience the natural consequence of hunger.

If the child fusses about being hungry, the parent can politely point out the child’s choice not to eat the food he/she requested. This is and example of consequences and mutual respect at work. The parent is not a villain starving his child! Parents are family members with equal rights not to be short-order cooks who cater to children’s whims!

THERE IS STILL HOPE

The key for parents is to be willing to calmly follow through with consequences consistently. Down deep, children want guidance from parents because it communicates love. They can become discouraged and overly concerned with power if their parents don’t provide loving guidelines for living and model them consistently.

It is a disservice to children to protect them from some of the more uncomfortable consequences of their inappropriate behavior. It delays their life’s lessons and makes the inevitable ones harder to experience. As parents, we often want to protect our children from embarrassment and hurts. Many times we try to avoid conflict in our relationships, but this is not life. It is not our role to teach children to avoid life’s lessons. Instead, let them experience the lessons and be there to help guide them through it so they can learn something from it.

10 POINT PLAN

When dealing with demanding behavior in your child remember the following points:

Children and parents have rights and can assert these rights in respectful ways.

Parents are doing a disservice to themselves and to their child by giving in to demands to avoid a scene. Even if unintentional, this teaches the child that if his behavior gets severe enough he will get what he wants.

Always make sure you are modeling the kind of respectful communication you want your child to use; don’t keep a double standard. Acknowledge your child and show appreciation when he/she states something in a respectful way.

When your child does say something in a demanding tone of voice, reflect his/her feelings (“I understand you feel…”) before stating your expectation about how it should be said (“…but I expect you to tell me in a calm, polite way.”)

If parents allow the natural consequences of a situation to occur, the parent is not the one exerting the control, nature is. The parent can now face the situation calmly and from a detached position of presenting the child with his choices and then letting him experience the consequences of his choice.

Try to stick with choices within limits unless the behavior becomes even more unacceptable. When this happens, parents can shift the focus from the original issue to the behavior. The parent can present the child with a new set of choices. For example “You can calm down or we’ll leave.” Remember to focus on the behavior and not attack the child’s character.

Parents should be prepared to disengage and remove themselves or the child if the behavior escalates. Parents must be willing to leave a situation and trust that others will understand and respect their need to attend to the situation. Most people are supportive of a parent disciplining a child in a respectful way. Although some people would think this action would violate the parent’s right to enjoy an outing, one needs to remember that parental responsibilities do not end whenever it’s inconvenient for the parent to uphold them. The parent needs to remember the rights of others to exist in a peaceful environment and the child needs to learn that unacceptable behavior is unacceptable in all situations.

There are times when it is best to walk away from the situation and refuse to interact until the child’s behavior improves. A power struggle cannot occur with one person. Walking away is not giving in. Usually the child wants something from the parent, either some service or attention. Walking away will give the child nothing and will give him a chance to calm down and rethink his choice in the matter.

If the child has become destructive in the past, the parent can plan ahead by arranging a safe place for the child to go and discussing appropriate ways for the child to release angry energy away from others. Remember to tell the child specifically what behavior is acceptable rather than wording your statements in terms of “don’t”.

The middle of a tantrum is not the time to reflect feelings or try to talk a child out of being angry. That time has already passed and the child will now interpret these efforts as a denial of his feelings and he may escalate his behavior to convince the parent of how strongly he feels. Communication may be futile until the child calms down and may even keep the tantrum going by giving the child more attention for his behavior. Process what happened, the child and parent’s feelings, and the law of choices and consequences of behavior after the tantrum is over.

A parent’s goal is to immediately respond to demands with choices, consequences, and consistent follow-through to avoid power struggles and tantrums. If this is a new approach for a parent or if the parent’s consistency is new, the child will probably still have tantrums in response to this new approach. In fact, the child’s reactions may seem to be more extreme before it improves, because he is testing new limits. The child wants to see if the parent will react differently if embarrassed in public, if the child destroys things, or if the child loses control.

Just remember that this testing will be temporary if the parent is consistent with this new approach. Stick with it! If the parent maintains this game plan the child will eventually adjust and everyone will be happier with the new, more respectful ways of communicating.

Children bombard parents with many challenging behaviours. We are delighted if their behaviour is mostly positive. But what if your child constantly demonstrates negative behaviour? How are you going to deal with it?

Discipline for the majority of the twentieth century was adult-centred and relied heavily on punishment as a way of keeping children on the right track. Discipline was based on the principle of severity and terms such as punishment, obedience and compliance were commonly used.

Often I hear parents say that they ***** or yell at their kids. This is not because these parents do not care for their children but because they really don’t know any different. If you look at the world today, what do you see as socially more “acceptable”; yelling at a child doing something “bad”, or creating a “yes” environment for that same child? The first of course, it’s the way it’s “always” been done, right?

Second, is there anything else going on in your child’s life that might be causing stress or is there anything else going on in your life that might be causing stress to your child? Children are creatures of habit. While they enjoy the new they also crave routine.

If he still refuses to follow the instruction, the parent follows up by saying, “That’s two.” At this point it would probably be a good idea to once again repeat the previous directions. If the child stops the inappropriate behavior and follows the instruction, then the problem has been solved. If the child still refuses to follow instructions than the parents simply states “That’s three,” and follows with the consequence stated at the start of the counting.

Parents need to acknowledge and provide positive responses every time a child follows the rules by giving some form of encouragement or reward. Otherwise, the child should be informed of the consequences for breaking the established rules. Children learn from experience, and it is therefore necessary to let them experience the consequences rather than submerge them into punishment. Most parents confuse parenting discipline with punishment, but it should not be the case. Instead, mistakes can be a turned into a venue for learning.

Be careful when using threats. You tend to say things you do not mean when you get angry. Too many threats will effect your child behavior too. They will learn from you and use your words to threat other people thus leads to bad manner.

We need to obviate the reliance on this method quickly, especially as one sensible alternative exists. Some experts have suggested that natural consequences be applied to correct action. For example, if your child breaks your favourite dish, it is better that the child is punished by having to sacrifice his weekly allowance or do extra chores as a consequence.

This seems to be one of the most overlooked methods of discipline but yet the very word discipline means instruction or teaching and the most effective way to teach or instruct is to open dialogue between you and your child. Speak with them and decipher the reasons behind their behavior

One of important issues on some baby forums is about how to disciplining child. Disciplining child using the time out method can be very effective, and will work with children as young as 18-24 months old. Using this method of discipline parents are giving the child time to sit quietly and alone after misbehaving, without becoming angry or agitated with the child.

Prepare an appropriate area in the house where the child is isolated from interacting with others. It can be a corner in their bedroom, a space on the kitchen floor or a special chair that’s labeled only for time outs. The length should be age appropriate. A good rule of thumb is generally one minute per year of age. A kitchen timer is helpful in counting down your child’s punishment time. Time out for toddlers is used to give them a chance to regroup and calm down. It’s doubtful they will sit completely still, and they should not be forced to try. All children should be asked in a firm but pleasant tone to complete a designated task or stop an undesired behavior. If their behavior persists, they should be verbally directed to behave once again, with eye contact being made and the time out spot pointed out. If after this warning the behavior still persists, they should be escorted to the time out location and told exactly why they are being sent there. Maintain a calm but firm tone with them. Once they’ve quietly served their time in the time out location it’s important to discuss with the child why they were sent there and that if the behavior occurs again, they will again be sent to time out. Older children should then agree to do what you told him to do or cease misbehaving. Children who leave their time out location before their time is up must be made aware that privileges will be lost as a result. It’s likely that your time out method will have to be modified to fit the temperament of your child and your own parenting style. And remember to reinforce positive behavior with praises, hugs and smiles. Time out can successfully be used outside the home such a grocery stores, restaurants, or shopping centers. It’s important to emphasize to the child that time out will be enforced should they misbehave while there. Be consistent and place the child in time out should they misbehave in the store. If you don’t, they’ll get the message early on that you’re inconsistent and will be more likely to test your boundaries.

Read also my article about The Positive Influence of Being Involved in Education-Early Childhood

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Uzbek girls

Listening, learning, and observing your children are very effective ways of getting them to open up to you when disciplinary action is require to getting your child attention. Giving your child your undivided attention by listening is the first thing you should consider doing when things become tensed; lending hearing ears helps makes disciplining become less painful for yourself and your child. Your child or children need to vent to release the tension “build-up” they are experiencing themselves after a hard day at school. Every child has their side of the story of what took place whether at home or at school. By lending hearing ears you have the opportunity to analyze the situation at hand. Give your child ten to fifteen minutes to explain their side of story. This way you will learn exactly what took place after hearing what your child has shared with you. Most parents blast their children and give orders and strict disciplinary actions without getting all the details of the incidents that has taken place in their child lives.

By listening and learning about how they’re day went, you can now observe and get a clearer picture of the episodes of the day your child is sharing with you. The more your children share with you the easier your job will be when deciding what method of discipline you choose to use. Discipline means “to teach and to train” let your children learn from their own mistakes. However you have to be willing to teach and train your child so they will not make the same mistakes over and over again. Your child will see you as being fair and loving while providing stern but loving actions to help strengthen their character and development. Disciplining your child is a must; however make sure you do it in a loving way. I’ve experienced this type of disciplining and it helps me as a single-parent to keep my child on the right track when she loses focus. Use whatever disciplinary action you feel will be most beneficial for you and your family.

By doing so; your child will always come and let you know how they’re day went and share with you everything they really want and need to talk about. Open your eyes and your ears to hear from your child; this way you will be able to give correction and proper guidance. Your children are here to bring you joy. Enjoy your child or children and always be open to their “well-being.” Your child or children are an asset to you and not a liability. Look, Children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of your womb is a reward. Psalm 127:3. If you are struggling with your parental rights and responsibilities sign-up to receive tips on life in general and I can help you with your parenting concerns.

Copyright © 2007 Clark A. Thomas

bombard families with many challenging behaviours. As parents, we are delighted if their behaviour is mostly positive. But what if your kids constantly display harmful behaviour? How are you going to deal with it?

It can get frustrating for a mother who is yelled at every time she says ‘no’ to her child.

In my clinic, I’ve seen parents who feel desperate when their son or daughter who used to behave like a “saint” is now disrespectful, oppositional, and threatening. Some are at a loss finding the right solution to their child’s misadventures.

As parents, what are your options?

Establish a Hierarchy of Consequences for Inappropriate Behaviour

Different behaviours require varying degrees of discipline. There is no single method effective for all individuals and all types of unacceptable behaviour.

One helpful way of instilling order is by creating a graduated form of discipline — from a simple and effortless method to a more serious way of dealing with it.

Ignoring the Behaviour

Certain behaviour becomes worse if you pay attention to it. Temper tantrum is one example. One way to deal with some behaviour like temper tantrum is to ignore it. Don’t give in. Try to look away and don’t smile. Focus on what you’re doing rather than on the child’s behaviour. Don’t try to please.

I’ve seen many children stop their inappropriate behaviour almost instantly when they don’t get what they expect which is attention.

Granny Gestures

This is the second line of offence against inappropriate behaviour. This type of discipline can deal with both major and minor infractions. Granny gestures simply show to the child the target behaviour is not acceptable.

Such gestures simply involve hand movements such as waving the right pointing finger back and forth after an incident. And it should be done immediately after an inappropriate behaviour. For instance, when your child is not cleaning up or not making the bed, wave your pointing finger.

Counting One to Five

Counting one to five is the next level if your child remains defiant or unresponsive to your granny gestures. This requires a reminder that the unacceptable behaviour still exists and if it continues after you count to five, then a more serious form of consequence will be enforced.

Also, counting provides your child the time to think and to realize his or her mistake. It gives your child the opportunity to change.

Time-out

Time-out is a more serious form of discipline. If the inappropriate behaviour persists, you tell your child to go to one corner of your house. The corner should be well lit, safe, and not isolated. It should be a place where you can still see what your child is doing. During this time, don’t give any toy or reading material, and avoid communicating with your child.

What should be the appropriate duration for time-out? In my opinion, the duration should depend on the nature of the infraction, the frequency of such infraction, and the age of your child. If your three-year-old child is having a tantrum, a three-minute time-out is proper. But you can stretch the time to four to five minutes if the infraction is major, for example stealing. Use your judgment.

Taking Away Privileges

Taking away privileges requires that you first identify your child’s hobbies, likes, and interests at home and that you take one or more of them away for a certain time as a consequence of inappropriate behaviour.

For instance, your child has repeatedly stolen and hasn’t responded to above measures. You can then take away his or her computer privileges for one night. Take away the toy or activity that interests your child. Taking away privileges should be time-limited, realistic, and feasible.

In summary, discipline needs simple, practical strategy. Shower your children with love and affection. Give them toys. But be firm and consistent. Remember, discipline is not only for their well-being. It also benefits your family and the whole community.