How to Discipline Your Child

You will know your child is difficult before he is two years old, especially if you have other children. He exhausts you. He cannot sit still, does not listen to instructions, and gets in trouble constantly. A former foster mother of 36 children with severe ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) said, "These kids make your eyeballs tired."

If your child has behavior problems, it is hard to know what to do next. You may be reluctant to get him assessed right away because you still have questions. What if he just has a lot of energy? What is normal behavior anyway?

Typical Milestones of Children without Child Behavior Problems

At three years oldhe can initiate play activities and he enjoys playing with other kids.

At four years oldhe talks and plays with his peers, takes turns when playing games, cooperates in groups, and helps adults when asked.

At five years oldhe can follow established rules and routines. He apologizes when he hurts others, shows his emotions in different situations, is helpful to his peers, and seeks help from adults when crises occur.

When It Is Time to Get Your Child’s Assessment

If your child cannot accomplish these tasks and he is more than five years old, there is a greater likelihood that he has ADHD. Do not wait any longer.

You need to seek a professional opinion for a proper diagnosis. Be aware that many doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists prefer to wait until a child is more than five years old to diagnose and medicate.

If children’s behavior problems are severe, these medical professionals will make exceptions. Defiant children need specific help to keep from developing ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).

If you observe these signs of ADHD in your child before he is seven years old, start keeping a journal on child behavior problems.

Keeping a History Journal to Record Child Behavior Problems

Start your journal when you first notice your child’s peculiar behaviorsknown clinically as his age of onset. This journal is more important than you can imagine.

Note the frequency and duration of his symptoms, including eating and sleeping habits, bruises left on siblings and peers, out-of-control incidents, and aggressive or destructive behavior. Enter the troubles he had in various settings, for example, nursery school, daycare, restaurants, grocery stores, and at family reunions and other social events. Document his response to your parenting and child discipline. You will need this information for his official assessment.

You Can Do This

If you suspect it’s time to get your child assessed, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started.

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For some children, who are part of a family where God plays an important role, they

already have the advantage of knowing about Him.

For other children, where God is entirely absent from family life, they won’t know about Him.

And still for others, whose family members are lukewarm about any type of spiritual presence, the children really don’t know whether God exists or doesn’t exist.

As adults, we can either do something about this, or ignore it. The choice is that simple.

I was on a cruise recently on which I had a fabulous time. On the last day, I was sitting in the lounge thinking about the cruise, and my thoughts turned to three adventure books I had written about children getting to know God. The books are about three teenagers who fall head-long into exciting adventures. An ostrich, a tiger and a bald eagle, accompany the children as guardians. These animals are far from ordinary. They are angels, who cause mayhem, disbelief and chaos as they stay firmly by Kate, James and Amanda. What a wonderful analogy, I thought–those children and this cruise. Let me explain.

Throughout the books, it is suggested, very subtly, how much a young person can benefit from believing in God, who is always there for them although they can never see Him.

Cruise travel has moved on since I was last at sea, but what has not moved on is the reliance and trust we place in the captain of the ship. Our complete past, present and future is in the hands of the ship’s captain. We believe that everything will be just fine, in spite of the remote possibility of serious problems–especially in bad weather when there is very limited control – even for the captain of the ship. This trust has developed because there has been little evidence of major sea disasters involving large passenger ships, except in the most extreme circumstances. This is largely due to incredibly advanced technology.

We therefore board the ship with the confidence and assurance that the journey will go according to plan. The captain will steer the ship; he will ensure that every need or want of the passengers is met by the crew.

For the captain of the ship, the buck stops with him. His ship, crew and passengers are his responsibility. No matter what anyone else is doing, he, or his designate, will be at the helm 24/7. The position of captain of a ship and the response of the passengers to the rules and regulations in force, is called discipline. If passengers do not obey the regulations, they could possibly become a hazard to the safety of the ship. All of this we accept without question when we book a cruise. During the voyage, we can then be complacent, forgetting about everything but enjoying ourselves.

Given the above scenario why do we, as human beings, have so much trouble trusting in God? We go on a cruise, or board a plane, and we put our implicit trust in the captain of the ship or the plane. If we are unable, or unwilling, to equate this trust with trust in God, is it fair to deny our children this opportunity? Encourage them to believe in God and that He is there whenever they need Him. There is no need to go into long explanations about God, or to teach fear of God. Just assure them that there is a Great Being who is keeping watch over them as they start their lives. That is enough for now. When they are older, they can learn more and start making choices. Why not let them get on the ‘cruise ship’ and know that a ‘captain’ is looking after them? They do not need to know His name or what their parents feel about Him, or what anybody else believes. But they do need to know that when they emerge from the love and protection of their parents– especially during the school years–there is someone else who is there for them and who will keep the ship on course.

For most children, it is too much for them to understand the depths of mature religious belief. The subjects of beliefs, religion and children cross paths from time to time, but the focus of young people is more on growing up and coping with what lies before them. While exploring the theories of spirituality and life about them, children will eventually accept or reject what they have encountered. But, in order to make these decisions, children must be exposed to the facts. To encourage them initially in a simple belief is key to their eventual choices of the right way to live,

The captain, crew and passengers of a ship have to depend on discipline to ensure a good passage. In Hell’s Gate Trilogy, when Kate, James and Amanda realize that Someone is watching over them, they also learn that there is a small thing called discipline needed to realize the benefits of a relationship with God.

In turn this will introduce young people to the discipline required to make progress in their own lives, whether we acknowledge a Greater Being or not. Too often we don’t have this discipline and we do what we want to do–not what we are supposed to do, or what we have been taught to do, or what we have learned to do. On board ship this would be a recipe for disaster. How far are we going to progress in a career or in life without the will to get things done and the discipline to do them? Encouraging our children to think about God, will give them a head start. We must ask ourselves why we would not give a child the knowledge of God, when we are only too willing to give the child everything else?

Is it because we are set in our own ways and ideologies in general, and find it hard to be liberal towards our children in the area of religious or spiritual beliefs? Why can’t we give them this small confidence of belief?

To conclude on an interesting and positive note, according to new research at the University of British Columbia in Canada, if people are made aware of words like God, spirit, divine or prophet, they are inclined to be kinder and more generous.

What more could we ask for our children?

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Some experts dispute the need for any sort of discipline, in the belief that model parents so influence children by their shinning example that discipline are largely unnecessary. If you happen to be one of the fortunate few who have been rewarded with an easy child, this may indeed is true. For the rest of us, however, discipline is most certainly necessary. But we must choose our methods carefully.

It may seem strange, but young children tend to feel much more secure when they live in an environment that has structure and clearly defined limits. Not only does good discipline make children happier, but it gives a much needed foundation to help them cope with the limits and restrictions of school and life in general. Children who have experienced little discipline before school find it hard to change overnight and fit into the limits of a kindergarten class. Some children are strong enough to take this in their stride, but many react badly, and become withdrawn, sullen and unhappy. The result may be that the child will then refuse to go to school at all.

I am in no doubt as to the benefits of discipline, but I worry about some of the stupidity that is displayed by parents in this area. In the next few articles that I am about to publish, there are various types of disciplines that I will discuss, some of which are effective most of the time: some will work occasionally: many methods are best forgotten altogether.

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ADHD alone is difficult to deal with, but ADHD comorbid (or combined) with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) creates chaos.

If your child periodically talks back defiantly, slams doors, acts stubborn, and blows up but has some control to calm himself down, feel remorse, and accept consoling and logical explanations, he does not have ODD.

What is ODD?

If your child is hot-headed, gets angry frequently, loses his temper, is spiteful and vindictive, deliberately annoys people around him (at home and school alike), argues with adults, defies you, and refuses to carry out rules and adults’ requests, be forewarned.

If he is easily annoyed by others and overreacts to remarks by others, but never owns up to his mistakes because they are always somebody’s fault, this is a kid with full-fledged ODD.

This is not a phase that will pass. He cannot control these behaviors. He does not feel remorse for causing the hurt feelings and chaos in his environment.

He definitely needs treatment and may need additional medication (beyond what is prescribed for ADHD).

What Causes ODD?

ODD rarely travels alone. Frustrated from harsh adult reactions to his characteristics, a child with ADHD will often develop ODD as a defense mechanism against adults. This is why 65% of children with ADHD develop ODD.

The child with ODD opposes adults because he had a bad experience in the past caused by adults’ poor judgment. In his opinion, adults are not to be trusted. He believes he is smarter than adults so he trusts only his instincts, opinions, and observations.

To feel safe, he schemes to control, dominate, and manipulate his environment. He believes he is the only one who can take care of his welfare so he thinks only of one thing, “What’s my payoff?”

How to Change Your Child with ODD

Now that you know the “thinking errors” of defiant children, you need to adopt new ways to cope with and solve your child’s behavior problems.

To change your child with ODD, you need to do the following: *Provide structureto make his environment orderly and predictable. *Talk and act assertivelyGive short instructions and responses. This one technique will cut down on screaming and yelling in the house. Learn proper child discipline for children with ODD. *Tell him how you expect him to behave. Be his model. Train the values you want him to demonstrate. *Set up a token system (behavior chart)to convince him he is being paid for improved behavior.

You CAN Solve This

It sounds simple and it is if you can find the right guide with sound parenting advice. If you are ready to adopt new ways to cope with and change your child, I invite you to use these parenting tips to get started.

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