How to Discipline Your Child

No matter how much they may deny it, children prefer to have structure and rules in their lives. It gives them a sense of security to know that there are limits placed on them. Children of all ages can find the world chaotic and arbitrary, rules define the boundaries that they must not overstep without consequences. This, in turn, prevents them from muddling through situations that they may not have the maturity to handle. Providing consistent discipline tailored to a child’s age and emotional maturity is probably the hardest job that parents face. It can be made a whole lot harder if the two parents involved have differing views on what constitutes discipline.

Disciplining your child includes a system of rewards and negative consequences if the rules are disobeyed. Most parents have problems with the ‘punishment’ phase. They tend either to overlook the transgression, employ excessive punishment or be inconsistent in their use of corrective measures leaving the their child confused and prone to test their parents’ authority time and again.

Children can be manipulative. If they sense that the parents are not wholly in agreement on how to handle a particular transgression, they will probably try to play one parent off against the other. If either parent decides not to follow through, it not only weakens both parents’ authority, it also leaves the parent who insists on carrying through the punishment feeling embitteredl and guilty.

In most families, there is an unspoken, perhaps even an unconscious campaign between parents to be the child’s favourite. This desire to be seen as the child’s “special buddy” may be natural, but it can cause serious rifts between couples, especially if it leads to one parent being undermined by the other. In matters of discipline, there must be unanimity between parents as to how it should be applied. If there are areas of dispute, they should always be resolved out of the presence of the child. Moreover, both parents should agree to be consistent when dealing with similar situations. If one parent has a ‘time out’ period of an hour for a certain infringement of the house rules while the other decides on grounding the child for a week for the same offense, it is inevitable that not only will the child be confused, he/she will probably be resentful and unwilling to follow any of the rules set by either parent.

The question of discipline becomes more fractious if the parents are separated or divorced and one or both of them are in new relationships. They should make a concerted effort to keep their child’s best interests at heart, sitting him/her down and clearly spelling out the rules of behaviour and the consequences for violating those rules. Divorce or separation means a rending of the familiar family unit – the child is torn between grief, anger and confusion, unsure where his/her loyalties should lie. One way of softening the impact is by never talking about or acting toward the other parent in a derogatory manner. By treating each other with mutual respect and consulting on matters concerning their son/daughter, the separated/divorced couple teach their child that:

a) conflicts should be handled in a mature manner with no accusing finger-pointing involved

b) the welfare of the child is central to their concerns and

c) both parents aim to be involved in the total care and upbringing of the child including his disciplining, if it arises.

If new relationships are formed by either or both parents, the new comers into the child’s life should be made aware of the rules jointly laid down by both the parents and while suggestions for improvement are always welcome, the final decision on how the matter is handled rests solely with the parents. At the same time, the child should be advised on the need to listen and respect the new partners of their parents and any problems or disagreements should be discussed openly and with regard for the feelings of all concerned. For all to coexist in mutual harmony, the adults should avoid displaying open hostility or undue loyalty to anyone other than the child.

An effective way to teach a child good behaviour is for parents to “practice what they preach”. A child’s value system is strengthened by actions taken by the adults in their life as much as by verbal admonitions. No matter how irritated or angry you are, always be aware that your child will be more responsive if you sit him/her down and calmly explain what the problem is and what the consequences of his/her chosen response will be.

With greater maturity or as situations change, the rules governing the child’s life at home needs to change with new ones introduced and some withdrawn while others remain the same. But regardless of the situation, parents should always present a unified front and work together and not against each other in providing effective discipline for their child. Instilling good behaviour in a child is never easy, but it is our parental responsibility not to shrink from this task.

Child discipline the easy way ~Part 1

My children run the gamut of unfortunate behaviors due to their own innate personalities. In almost nine years of parenting, I have picked up some handy tricks to bring happiness and peace in the household. Today we will discuss teaching your children to take you seriously. This can be done without yelling, spanking, empty threats and tears (on your part, at least)!

I learned John Rosemond’s “Ticket System” to discipline children years ago. It is simple and easy. The best part is that it actually works. We can remember it and kids understand it!

In a nutshell, my two older boys (8 & 6) both have four tickets on the fridge in the morning. With each ticket that is lost, privileges are lost. I explain to the Monkeys what is expected and what the consequences are if they disobey. It’s that easy.

This is important, listen close, don’t ramble on. Your kids will tune you out, like the teacher in Charlie Brown’s classroom. When you speak remember the three C’s.

The Three C’s-

Be Clear- explain exactly what expectations are and why.

Be Concise- K.I.S.S.- Kids will only listen to about two sentences, if you are lucky!

Be Commanding- speak with authority. Fake it until you feel comfortable. Pretend you know what you are doing!

We are working on one issue at a time with the tickets. Presently, the boys are learning to obey me when I give a direction. I have announced that nagging them and yelling is bumming me out, and I will do it no more. Do not try to use the ticket system for all the things they do wrong. There is time to teach and change behavior, and it shouldn’t be done all at once. Both you and your kids will go crazy. Focus on the BIG STUFF.

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Here’s how it works-

The child will receive one warning before losing a ticket.

~”Hey Monkey, I asked you to put your dish in the dishwasher after breakfast. Here’s your one and only warning.”

2. The first ticket, of four, is removed from the fridge and put on the side when a second act of disobedience occurs.

~”Ok, Monkey, I asked you not to wrap your brothers in toilet paper to play mummies. You have lost your first ticket! Be careful, I’m sure you will work hard not to lose the second ticket!”

3. When the second ticket is removed be prepared for your little insurgents to riot! Do not lose hope, stay strong. If you back down now…..you are done!

~”Uh-Oh, Monkeys, you were told not to spray paint the dog pink. You lost your third ticket, no cartoons* for the rest of the day. “

*If your little henchmen are gamers, then no games is a great choice here!

4. When ticket #3 is lost, my Monkeys lose the privilege to watch any TV or go out and play with kids after school.

Third ticket will increase the screaming and gnashing of teeth tenfold. ~~DO NOT BACK DOWN!~~~ When your child blows you off, you pull that ticket and stand your ground. Remind your little terrorist that if he argues you WILL pull the last ticket.

“Monkey, I told you that if you juggled flaming toilet paper rolls in the front yard, you must wear your goggles. You didn’t, and now I have to pull your third ticket. No TV and no playing with friends today.”

5. Now you have hit the big time……The last ticket.

Depending on how ‘strong-willed’ your little henchman is you may only have to pull it once, or it may take a dozen times. When the fourth ticket is lost the child must stay in his or her room until bedtime, only coming out for mealtimes and bathroom.

~~If the little wild child has a TV, Computer, or Game system in there (he shouldn’t!)……Take it out!

“Darling, you stole mommy’s Suburban to drive to Toys-R-Us with your little homies. I told you that you couldn’t drive for 11 more years. You have lost your last ticket. You will be in your room until bedtime. I’ll call you out for dinner when it is ready.”

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Ticket System F.A.Q.s-

Dear Fussypants,

My little Carson went to his room at 11:30 this morning. I feel so sorry for him. He’s apologetic and sweet. I think he should come out. He’s only 7 and I can’t leave him up there all day. What should I do?

Thanks, Wimpy in Washington

Dear Wimpy in Washington,

If your little sweety were so sweet he wouldn’t have misbehaved and lost all his tickets. Hopefully, today will teach him never to blow you off and ignore your directions again. If you let him out now he will have won and he will not take the system seriously. The point of the system is to keep parents from getting angry and giving out a million empty threats. Stand your ground, Sister. You are the parent right?

Love, Mrs. Fussypants

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Dear Mrs. Fussypants,

When I pulled little Gracie’s fourth ticket she became furious. She screamed and it ripping up her room. I put up a baby gate to keep her in. I had to let her out because she would have ruined all her things. What else can I do?

Thanks, Bad Mommy in Ohio

Dear Bad Mommy,

Gracie won, didn’t she? Some children use sympathy to get their way. Gracie used force. If she is able to make you back down as a small child, then she will laugh in your face as a teenager. Children do not get easier with age. Children, over the years, simply become more ingrained in their behavior patterns. Pack up Gracie’s breakables in a couple plastic totes from Target. Explain to her that all her favorite belongings will be put away until she can control herself. Next time she is put in her room when all her tickets are gone, she will think twice about channeling the Tasmanian Devil. If you stand your ground now, she will learn to respect you.

Love, Mrs. Fussypants

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Dear Mrs. Fussypants,

At what age should I start the tickets? How should I make them?

Thanks, Clueless in Colorado

Dear Clueless,

You can start as early as four. Four year olds need more chances than say a six to nine year old. I used 6 tickets, and gave other punishments with them, when my kids were under 5. What punishment should you use? Take away what your child really enjoys. If it were fun, it wouldn’t be punishment, would it?

I made the tickets from supplies from the craft store. I used- interesting scrapbook paper (footballs, ballet shoes etc…), and sticky backed magnets. If you choose paper that shows each child’s personality then there is no confusion. I keep my tickets on the fridge.

Love, Mrs. Fussypants

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Dear Mrs. Fussypants,

I don’t like the idea that I have to be mean and lock my child in his room! This seems like child abuse. I want a happy loving family!

Sincerly, Fran in Fantasyland

Dear Fran in Fantasyland,

Think about how many interactions between Moms and kids turn out……

Mom, “Honey, please don’t pour milk on your sisters favorite American Girls Dolls!”

Mom, getting louder, “Swee-eety, how would you feel if someone did that to your toys?”

Mom, angrily yells, “Get away from then, NOW.”

Mom, when ignored again, is furious.She screams, yanks him up by the arm and pops him on the bottom.

What happened? The boy learns not to listen or take Mom seriously because Mom won’t take action until she is furious. Until Mom is mean, he won’t be bothered to listen.

Children need limits and clear guidelines. Parents have the moral responsibility to civilize their children. To not teach your children to control themselves and yield to a higher authority you are essentially neglecting them.

Is it “mean” to put them in their room all day? Only if you don’t feed him regular meals, hurl unpleasantries at him, or throw snakes in with him. Now that would be mean.

No out-of-control child is happy. Happiness comes when ALL members of a family can behave in a resonably civilized manner!

Furthermore, child abuse many times occurs when an exasperated parent just can’t take it anymore. “I’ve done everything I can. That boy won’t listen. I have ***** to get his attention!” This escalates quickly and sadly, this is the moment parents just SNAP and abusive* interactions can occur.

*Verbal abuse and emotional abuse is very common, and just as painful as physical abuse.*

I hope this helps!

Love, Mrs. Fussypants

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Childhood years are the best times to learn. Somehow, a person’s comprehension is at its peak during childhood. Parents should take advantage of these learning years to ingrain the values of life in their children.

If you’re a parent, teach them positive habits so that they will know and see the beauty that life has to offer. Make them enthusiastic about life. Instill into their hearts and minds all the wonders and magnificence of being alive by living life to its fullest in a positive way.

There’s a startling difference between children learning through self-discovery, and children learning through self-discovery with proper guidance. The first things that children learn are usually the things that stay with them and mold formative years until they reach adulthood.

Let us suppose you let your children learn through self-discovery. To a certain extent, self-discovery is good since it develops full independence and self-reliance. However, the learning process might be slow. In a sense, it is like a trial and error experience for children. They have to segregate the good from the bad, the right from the wrong, what they like and what they don’t. It is most likely that what they will like are the ones that come easy to them or the ones that they enjoy the most. And the ones that they enjoy the most might not necessarily be the good ones. Without proper guidance, what they like and enjoy the most might actually be hurting them although they are not aware of it. Perhaps later, if they find out that they picked the wrong choices, it may be too late.

With self-discovery through proper guidance, you will be able to leave room for them to develop independence and self-reliance. At the same time, show them what is right and what is wrong. Explain to them why. If possible, cite instances or examples based on true-to-life events to make them more convincing and realistic. The more realistic they are, the more easily the children are convinced. Likewise, try teaching them in a friendly and humorous atmosphere. Children are more attentive and eager to learn when all (both teachers and students) are in an easy mood. You will know and feel their eagerness to learn through the sparkle in their eyes and by the way they answer your questions. You can be sure that what they learn from you is acceptable to them and will stay with them. That is why, as a parent, you must show enthusiasm in life to your children.

There’s a third method of making children learn. That is through proper guidance leaving negligible room for self-discovery. But there are drawbacks. You take away from them the benefits of self-reliance and independence. The guidance you devote to them may be good and well intended, but they must not rely on you on almost everything they do. They become decision-dependent on you. There are instances wherein this type of guidance might be worse than giving no guidance at all.

There are parents who underwent hardships during their childhood, strived, and became successful financially. Although they are financially in the position to guide and assist their children to a better life, they prefer that their children undergo the same difficult experience they underwent during their younger years. Their reason: so that their children will value and experience the same things they went through. This may be applicable to stubborn and rebellious youngsters, but not to disciplined ones. Why must their sons and daughters repeat the same difficulties? There’s no reason to. This is like punishing the innocent. Instead of repeating the experience, they should learn from it. Life is too short to repeat unsavory experiences.

One of the best ways to broaden your children’s knowledge about life is by traveling. The world – its varied people, places, and cultures – has a lot of information to offer. It is perhaps as important as the conventional classroom. If you are financially able, traveling is one of the best educational experiences you can give your children. Look for exhibits or world fairs, and take your children there. Books are the next best things. It’s traveling by reading.

Fill your children with thoughts of self-importance, confidence, and positive attitude so that there will be no room for negative thinking. More importantly, fill their world with laughter, love, and understanding. You‘ll never go wrong.

Article Source : Simple and General Blog

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